She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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