the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
