FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
