I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
