??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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