Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
