I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize