I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
