So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
