When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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