last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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