I faked an abortion last night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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