Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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