; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
