"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
