so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
