just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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