she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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