Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Someone came in the potted fern
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize