I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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