You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
