his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
