well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
try to milk me bitch
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
