Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
