ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
