he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
