you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
