And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
