I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
