I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
