This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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