On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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