hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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