I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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