I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
