there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
