The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
