you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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