I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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