talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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