i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
