I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
