Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
