OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
