Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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