In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
