Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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