If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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