I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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