this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
