if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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