I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
