On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
