Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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