Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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