You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
