im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
