they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
