Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
