You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You ate ashes out of my bong
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
