what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
