I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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